Illuminate Your Child’s Greatest Potential
Society puts an unbearable amount of pressure on moms to be “the right” kind of mom. You can’t be too overprotective, but you can’t be too hands-off either. Your children have to be disciplined, but not too disciplined. The stigmas start from the womb…what you should or shouldn’t eat/drink while pregnant. When the baby is born, are you going to breastfeed or bottle feed? Are you going to be a working mom, or a stay-at-home mom? No matter which path you choose, you constantly feel like your decisions are being weighed, measured, and scrutinized.
We all develop our own picture of “the perfect mom” or “the perfect child”, and we constantly have the opinions of others channeling us feedback that we have to try to reconcile with our own ideals. It can be exhausting.
But when did we as a society decide that if our child is different, that makes them somehow “less than”? We cannot let the ideals and concepts of culture numb us to our most primal of parental instincts….advocacy for our child, in all circumstances and in all walks of life.
My name is Nicole, and I am the Patient Advocate at Wilson Pediatric Therapy & Learning Center. I’ll be honest, I have struggled as to whether to present this information from a generic and informative perspective or to take a vulnerable leap into the spotlight by making it personal. I have come to the conclusion that this topic is highly relevant in today’s world, and it will have a much bigger impact on parents facing similar challenges if I make it REAL.
So here I am…being real, for the greater good.
ADHD is a word with a lot of stigma attached to it, especially when it comes to kids. The common stereotype is that kids with ADHD are “the wild ones” with obvious impulse control and excessive hyperactivity. I’ll be honest, that is exactly what I thought ADHD was. This widely adapted misconception is the reason ADD fell completely under my radar as a parent. Over the last year, I have learned so much more about the disorder and all the varying degrees and signs there are to clue us in.
A little background info: I have three amazing, unique, perfectly imperfect children- two girls and a boy. My oldest daughter has always been ahead of the curve, both academically and socially. Learning was always a welcomed adventure that she took on with such ease and enthusiasm. My second daughter, however, has always been more reserved socially and learning has been more strained- particularly reading and writing. Working at a pediatric therapy center with so many wonderful programs available, I began considering possible explanations for her struggles- could it be dyslexia, or a learning disability? When I asked a coworker about having her evaluated, her first response was, “let’s make sure it's not attention related first, then we can go from there.” Attention related? No, I was sure it wasn’t that, because she didn’t fit the mold in my mind for a child with an attention deficit. What I didn’t realize is that I was using an inaccurate mold to measure her by, so my entire approach was skewed.
Did you know that girls often present with ADHD completely differently than boys? Here are some common ways it can present itself in females:
If you’re like me, one of your first reactions might be “don’t all young kids fall into these categories at one time or another?” Well, yes, perhaps to some degree at one time or another. But when a particular child hits most or all of these bullets, and some attributes are so dominant that it becomes a hindrance to how they function…it might be time to take a closer look. When I weigh this list against all three of my children, it is obvious that one child definitely checks all these boxes in a way that makes me want to smack myself in the head and say, “how did I miss this??”.
Avery is our middle child. So it was easy to casually wave off some of her behaviors and confidence issues as “the middle child syndrome”. She has always made good grades, and rarely has behavioral issues (although emotional outbursts were much more prevalent when she was between the ages of 2-4. She is now 7 and seems to have outgrown those.) Therefore, nothing stood out to me as a stereotypical ADHD child. I assumed that she would grow out of some other things eventually, and that tutoring would help her if she needed a boost academically.
It wasn’t until her 2nd grade parent-teacher conference that our eyes were opened that we may need to get her evaluated for something more. Because her grades were good and she had no behavioral issues at all at school, I expected her parent-teacher conference to be quite routine and uneventful. To the contrary, her teacher lovingly and carefully explained that Avery struggled a great deal to focus and stay on task at school. Behavior issues? Not at all. Focus issues? Bingo. I was told she had a very creative mind, but that she would at times get so lost in her creative world that she would lose track of the task at hand. The teacher would often have to come and stand by her desk or tap it in order to help her stay focused on the lesson. Avery would appear to daydream or to be withdrawn, apathetic even. What broke my heart the most was when the teacher told me that Avery seldomly ate lunch with friends…she would often find a place to eat by herself, or would sit next to her teacher during meal time. It confused me when the teacher explained that Avery was extremely kind and friendly, always willing to play with anyone and everyone…and yet she still struggled to make meaningful connections and grow friendships with her peers. I had a heart-to-heart with Avery that night and came to understand a harsh reality: my confident, bold, loud child I had watched bodaciously bouncing about our home all her life…in all actuality, she didn’t think much of herself compared to her peers. In a learning environment and in social settings, she retreated inward and had trouble getting out of the thicket of her own mind. She thought her struggle to focus, clumsiness, forgetfulness, etc. meant that she just wasn’t as smart or as likable as everyone else. She had just resolved to the fact that she was different and not likable because of those differences.
At just 7 years old, she had categorized herself as “less than”. And that was NOT ok.
I had thought that these confidence issues stemmed from a natural shyness she inherited from me…I was always so shy and introverted during my school years. But I didn’t have the same struggles to focus, so this introvertedness coupled with all the other items she checked off the list, made her a textbook case.
My husband and I spoke and agreed to have her evaluated for ADHD, to see if educating ourselves better on how she was wired could help us give her the tools she needed to overcome some of her struggles. What we found out is that Avery has mild Attention Deficit Disorder, but not the Hyperactivity component. I didn’t even know that the two were separate; I always assumed attention deficit and hyperactivity went hand in hand. This made it so difficult to see the red flags that now, looking back, seem so prominent that it should have been impossible to miss. Knowledge is a light to illuminate things you never even knew were sitting there in the dark. Having her evaluated was like turning up the dimmer switch in a dark, cluttered room with so many trip hazards we didn’t even know were there. Now that things were brought to light, we could help Avery reorganize the room in a way that worked FOR her, not against her. We could eliminate some stumbling blocks and help her focus on where she needed to be.
When the doctor went over her evaluation results and discussed what she needed to help her brain focus better, I immediately threw up a wall when medication was mentioned. My conditioned perception was that medication was overused in these types of situations, and I had already pre-deemed it unnecessary in our situation. Why is it that we see medication for treatment of mental matters as such a taboo thing? Do we not take medication for other health matters? Allergy medicine for allergies? Cold medicine for a cold? Tylenol for pain or a fever? Antacids for heartburn? We even “medicate” with caffeine or vitamin B12 when we want to stimulate more mental energy and alertness for OURSELVES in order to help us function better. Is this not the same thing? In fact, that’s exactly how another healthcare professional explained low-dose ADHD medication, relating it to being kind of like drinking a cup of coffee to help you focus.
I told the doctor plainly that the last thing I wanted was for Avery’s beautiful personality to change, or for her to be in a medicated, sleepy state…that’s what I assumed the medication would do. I didn’t want to dull her light! But what I wasn’t fully grasping yet is that her light was already dulled…because the truest, purest version of Avery was trapped under so much mental clutter, chaotic thoughts, and dimness. What we were seeing more than her natural light was her deficit, which presented in ways like being clumsy, disorganized, fidgety, withdrawn, etc. These weren’t “personality traits”...they were SYMPTOMS. She had accepted those symptoms as a part of her identity, and as her parents we were doing the exact same thing.
Do you know what happened when we turned the light on for Avery? She became more confident…in ALL areas! We learned that she is, in fact, EXTREMELY intelligent, and an above-average critical thinker! Now that she can focus and hone in her thoughts and critical thinking processes, her true strengths are highlighted. New aptitudes are surfacing. For so long, her truest potential had been buried underneath so much unnecessary mental clutter, causing her to have to work so much harder than she should have to just to poke her head above the surface of her deep well of a mind. Completing a task or socializing was a constant war with her self-consciousness always pulling her back into the dark.
Since being diagnosed in the fall, we have seen sides and abilities in Avery we never knew she had. She is bolder, more confident, more assertive. Her memory is as sharp as a tack, and she is abundantly more motivated to accept any challenge. The first time she did her speech therapy post-diagnosis, I choked back tears- because the difference was night and day. Prior to that, every virtual speech session was painfully labored and apathetic on her end…but suddenly she was engaged, enthusiastic, and meeting milestones for the first time in months!
She was just lacking the clarity of thought and confidence she needed to hone in that intelligence.
Avery’s school does regular standardized testing to measure academic progress. Get this…her fall testing compared against her spring testing shows 80% improvement…EIGHTY PERCENT, in just a few months! Absolutely remarkable! It crushes my momma heart knowing that, had we not swallowed our pride and gotten her evaluated, she could have gone her ENTIRE academic career being conditioned to eventually hate school and learning in general- thinking that she just simply “wasn’t smart”, when in all actuality, she is highly intelligent!
Avery used to hate to read. It was a chore we had to force her to do in order to finish her homework, and she seldomly processed the content of what she read enough to be able to answer questions about it. Now, she disappears for hours at a time reading anything from story books to the Bible. She thinks about what she’s reading more and stops to ask US questions when there’s a scripture or story she wants more background information on. She’s so incredibly thirsty for knowledge and growth now, and she is starting to realize that she really CAN do anything she sets her mind to. She feels empowered, instead of powerless! How heartbreaking it would have been for her to carry the same struggles and confidence issues all the way into adulthood, never fully realizing or walking in her true potential and light.
When Avery learned that she was capable of doing so much more than she ever realized, her confidence spilled over into all other areas of her life. New friendships blossomed. Now she’s FaceTiming her friends from school and asking to have sleepovers!
When Avery learned that she was capable of doing so much more than she ever realized, her confidence spilled over into all other areas of her life.
What changed? Why is she so different? Can it really be that easy??
What changed is that we turned on the light, both for ourselves and for Avery. We were so stubborn in our uneducated darkness before, so sure that Avery didn’t have a diagnosable deficit and so unwilling to do anything about it even if she did- because that would somehow mean we failed somewhere as her parents. Sounds so silly, doesn’t it? It's so easy to fall into a cycle of making it about “us” versus the child. What will people think? Will she be treated differently? Will this make things even harder for her at school if she has a label put on her?
Since starting the lowest dose of medication possible at the recommendation of her pediatrician, we have seen Avery absolutely bloom. It's like she has been awakened from a sleepy, agitated state and can now really see and taste the world around her for what it is instead of through a foggy, fragmented lens. Even looking back on pictures before and after treatment, you can look deep into those beautiful blue eyes and notice the difference in how she feels about herself- see for yourself!
The difference in Avery was noticed immediately by her teacher as well, within just days of medication starting:
“Avery is very alert today. She engaged with me a lot this morning when she came telling me about her drink and rainbow. During Bible and Reading, she had her hand in the air a lot to answer questions.”
Here is what Avery’s teacher has to say about her now:
“You can let the pediatrician know that I definitely can tell the difference with the medication. She comes in more engaged and focused. She gets right to work and raises her hand. She participates in activities and discussions. She definitely pays attention more to the work she is doing. I can tell when it wears off or she doesn’t have it. She struggles to concentrate without me standing close to her or tapping her desk. She seems very tired and not engaged in our conversations in the room”
The most affirming feedback her teacher gave is exactly what this momma’s heart needed to hear:
“You are doing a great job as a mom. I admire and appreciate (as a teacher) that you and your husband are always advocating and looking for the best for your children even when it doesn’t look like what you thought it is or new territory. Keep up the good work!”
Even grownups can appreciate a “keep up the good work!” pat on the back from a teacher!
This is the first time I have spoken publicly about Avery’s ADHD diagnosis, or rather, her ADHD BREAKTHROUGH. Turning up the dimmer switch for other parents feels uncomfortably vulnerable. I worry for Avery…she already struggles being in the shadow of her older sister’s accomplishments and charisma, so the last thing I wanted was to highlight something that others may see as a deficit. My momma bear instinct wants to protect her from judgment and, if I’m being honest- to protect US from judgment. But if we don’t learn to break free from these outdated stigmas, if we don’t see the value in educating ourselves beyond our own preconceived and culturally-driven notions, how can we truly say we are doing everything we can to help our children be happy, successful, confident, fulfilled human beings?
We are so incredibly hard on ourselves as parents. Yes, we ALL want what’s best for our children. But sometimes in order to know what’s best for your child, you need to take a step back out of your own mental clutter in order to really perceive what your child is trying to tell you about how they’re fairing in this thing called life.
If we have the power to drastically shift the course of their life for the better by educating ourselves…why wouldn’t we?
I still have a lot to learn with this whole parenting gig, but as someone with an official job title in advocacy (Patient Advocate), I understand now more than ever that we can never over-advocate for our child…for your child.
With the help of our village, including family, friends, doctors, teachers, and amazing therapists like those we have here at Wilson Pediatric Therapy, together we can help these children bloom to their fullest potential and brightest light.
Meghan Baumgartner, SLP- Wilson Pediatric Therapy & Learning Center:
I had been working with Avery for about nine months when she was diagnosed with ADD and began taking medication. Avery's progress in the last five months since she began medication has been more consistent and quicker than compared to the rate of progress prior. This is likely due to increased attention, self-awareness/self-monitoring, and confidence. Overall, Avery also seems more engaged during the sessions. While the changes in Avery's participation during speech therapy and accuracy of her words is somewhat subtle, I can really see how making subtle changes across many aspects of Avery's life would have a dramatic impact. It is clear how much Avery's mother and family love and support her, and that is displayed further by their willingness to share their journey and experiences so that other children and families may also benefit in the same way that Avery has.
