Tantrums and the Power of Validation
Parents express frustration about their kids having tantrums. This is a particularly common issue for kids between the ages of 2 and 5 but still happens with kids of all ages. Conventional parenting wisdom often encourages us to ignore the behavior, distract and redirect their attention to something else, or put them in timeout until they’ve calmed down. While these strategies may stop that particular tantrum, they are not always effective long-term.
We all know kids are generally more likely to have tantrums when they’re overtired, over-hungry, and/or overstimulated. Another common reason for tantrums is kids’ inability to communicate their wants or needs effectively. So, it’s important to be aware of these factors, do our best to avoid situations where kids aren’t at their best, and support them in communicating effectively. But what if even when we do these things, our kids are still having frequent, challenging tantrums?
Imagine you’ve had an overwhelming day and are feeling frustrated with your significant other/friend. You bring it up to them, and their response is to ignore you, tell you to go to your bedroom and calm yourself down, or point out the cool car driving by outside, all without acknowledging how you are feeling or why. Chances are you’d probably end up even more upset. And, if this is the way they consistently respond to you, you’ll likely eventually stop talking to them about important things at all. Our kids often feel this way, too.
We may think many of the things our kiddos get upset about are unimportant or even downright ridiculous (yeah, the cup is green instead of red, but what difference does it make? The water in it tastes the same regardless of the color of the cup, right?). But the truth is they’re allowed to feel whatever they feel. We don’t have to understand why they’re upset to acknowledge that they are. Their feelings are valid, even if those feelings are about things we don’t understand.
So, what is the not-a-magic-wand-but-still-a-great-strategy for addressing tantrums? Do what you’d do with your partner/friend. Acknowledge and validate what they’re feeling. “You really want the red cup today. You don’t want the green cup and are really mad about having to use it instead.” Use your face and tone of voice also to mirror the feelings your kiddo is having. Saying it with a smile and upbeat tone will confuse your kiddo, and they’re not going to believe you understand how much this is bothering them. You will probably need to say it a few times, but eventually, they’ll see you do understand how they’re feeling.
Knowing we’re heard and understood is really what most of us want and need deep down, even if we’re only 2. It’s more important for your kiddo to know that you understand how much they want the red cup than for them to have the red cup. Now, they may still be upset and insist on the cup, and that’s okay. Having acknowledged and validated their feelings builds trust between you and is powerful in your relationship with them in the long run. You may also need to employ other strategies afterward, but validation is always a good, important, and powerful place to start - in any relationship.
